??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The air taste purple.
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