Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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