Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
