I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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