just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
