Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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