My pussy is not your playground.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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