You just made me feel so damn special
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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