dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
