i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
