i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
