just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Text me some of your sweat
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize