If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i love accidental penises.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
