I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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