Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
