I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
