Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
