Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
im holly from the hills drunk
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
