the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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