Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
