mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
