I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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