I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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