Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
