i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
