you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
