i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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