At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
