Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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