I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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