if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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