so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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