i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
