please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
