Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
