i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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