really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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