DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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