Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
