I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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