I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
