Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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