I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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