If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
