Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
