Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
