If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
