I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
