I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
