I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
