It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
