there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
