if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
