It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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