My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
