It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize