I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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