I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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