If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
