a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
