after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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