I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
