Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I deserve this hangover.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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