I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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